You Are Wanted


I watched you today as your daddy held you close to his chest. I made note of how tiny you still looked in his grip. Certainly you have grown since your arrival just five months ago, entering this world just over six pounds.

But you still look small.

Fragile, yet so strong.

Your eyes drifted my way and your gaze caught mine for a moment.  I saw through those dark eyes into your sweet spirit in a way that only a mama is capable of doing. Your eyes widened and your body stiffened with joy…you saw me too.

You know me. And I know you.

I heard you tonight. You laughed out loud at my hilarious version of peekaboo as I strapped you into your car seat. Okay, it wasn’t really all that funny, but your belly-jiggling laugh was a kind gesture. If I close my eyes, I can still see your toothless grin and squinted eyes and hear your growl-like chuckle. I could pick your laugh out rooms away.

Your lips have met mine thousands of times and even the way your drool drips from them and dribbles over to mine makes my heart pitter pat.

Now that’s love. Real love.

But there are moments coming in the near future-moments that I have dreaded since that hot day in July when my phone rang with our case worker asking if we would take a three-day-old baby boy.
I think back to my other four children. I remember where I was the very moment I found out about their existence. I can quickly recollect all the feelings that enveloped me as the two pink lines crept up the white paper.
JOY!! fear. elation. unknown. excitement. tears. hope. anticipation.
I felt so many of those the moment I heard you were coming too.
But with you, it was different. I knew our time together would be fleeting and full of heartache.
And I still said YES! We said YES TO YOU!
You, my sweet boy, are wanted.
Any day now, my phone will ring and it will be our case worker. She will tell me it’s time for you to go. I will pack your bags for your journey ahead. I will wash your clothes for the last time and fold your little pajamas neatly into your suitcase. I will mix up one last bottle and I will think back to those early nights…
You were so tiny and eating every ninety minutes. I was so exhausted. But I would sit up in the dark of the night. I would hold you in one hand so I could balance the tiny bottle in the other while I kept my little finger on your chin to help you hold your suck just right on that nipple. It took you twenty minutes to eat half an ounce. I was so exhausted.
Love is hard work.
And after go you, I know the memories we have shared will be only mine. You will never really remember me. Someone may tell you about me and you may see my image in pictures.
But soon, very soon, this world you and I share will be shattered.
It will be forever changed.
I won’t wake up to your cries at four am, or pat your back for that big burp I know always comes after your bottle. I won’t see your first tooth push through. I won’t be there to watch you get up on all fours as you prepare to crawl. I will miss that first step and the first word.
Someone will see and hear, but it won’t be me.
But even when I’m not present, don’t think for a second that my mama heart has forgotten you.
Don’t you know I will be wondering about you and praying over you long after you have left my arms?
I will lie awake at night and think about what your day was like, who is holding you when you get sick and if your sweet baby heart hurts like mine.
Don’t ever doubt that you are desired with a fierce, passionate and crazy love. And even though you’ll soon leave my arms forever, you, my precious, precious son, are wanted.
I want you today and I always will.


  1. Lexie Gordon | 31st Dec 14

    WahahahahahahhAhha! Tears. Snot. Ugly, ugly cry. You are an amazing Mama and a true representation of God’s love. I am inspired by you sweet friend.

  2. Tiffany Friend | 31st Dec 14

    Crying at work. Lunch and tears. You are strong, loving, and courageous! Youate the hands and feet of Jesus.

    • Tiffany Friend | 31st Dec 14

      Are 😉

  3. Sarah Rankin Parks | 31st Dec 14

    Hi! Not sure if you remember me from high school or not, but I just stumbled upon this page via Facebook and you have moved me to tears. How lucky that sweet baby is to have you as his first Mama. You are both so blessed and I pray for strength for both of you when that time does come. Thank you for sharing your story. You are pretty darn amazing, lady : )

    • kzsutton | 31st Dec 14

      Of course I remember you:) thank you for your sweet words and prayers!

  4. Mia | 31st Dec 14

    My heart is full and breaking at the same time…tears of joy and loss…he is such a sweet baby boy and has been blessed to be so thoroughly loved by all of you! God’s sweet reward for all of your ‘hard’ work is the huge smile that lights this baby’s face when he sees yours! We love him and pray that God will guide his steps in life and place those who honor our heavenly Father and continue to love this child in his path. When you meet in heaven…he will know you!!

  5. Rebecca | 31st Dec 14

    You have a wonderful gift for writing! This was an amazing post..and SO true!

  6. Joyce | 31st Dec 14


  7. Karen Arola | 1st Jan 15

    OH my!!! Your writing is AMAZING!! I can FEEL your heart and your love, and I continue to be amazed by YOU!! Thank you for taking the time to compose this – and share. You inspire so many of us with WHO you are!! I send you hugs, and love. Karen Arola

  8. Iliana Wiechmann | 1st Jan 15

    Love is hard at times. I pray God’s blessings over you for sharing your beautiful journey and the impact you’ve had on that sweet baby boy, and the rest of us. ❤️

    • kzsutton | 4th Jan 15

      Thank you!!!

  9. Janice S. | 1st Jan 15

    Wow! God bless you and your family! It was a blessing to read. Thank you and Happy New Year❤️

    • kzsutton | 2nd Jan 15

      Thank you!!

  10. Vanny | 2nd Jan 15

    Such a beautiful story of your lives! I am so proud to have you as a friend! You and Zach are such a true testament to God’s love.

  11. Heather | 3rd Jan 15

    I too am a foster mama. My darling baby came to me straight from the hospital as well, only she was already 7 weeks old when she arrived – yet still pounds smaller than my two birthed babies were even at almost 2 months of age. Reading your words made me feel as if they were my words, only, the chance of me becoming her mama are really, really good. Great even. So good, all the case workers and lawyers always tell me the odds are in my favor. I can’t even imagine her not being mine forever at this point. Yet still, I cried, Big ugly tears. Not only at the idea that I would ever have to give up my precious Baby Love (her nickname), but over you having to give up your sweet, sweet boy. When people find out I’m a foster parent, they always tell me what a wonder thing I’m doing, what a selfless act, and how lucky this baby is to have me. I correct them though, and tell them “I did this for very selfish reasons – I wanted to adopt a child… and believe me, she’s not the lucky one, I am”. God bless you my fostering sister… I know your heartache and my prayers are with both you and that little man of yours. <3

  12. Kayce | 3rd Jan 15

    I love this! This is how I feel with every foster placement. And as I currently snuggle with my foster daughter 2 weeks all those feelings are there!

  13. Beth | 4th Jan 15

    Ooooo sweet lady. I’m walking the road you are traveling. My foster son has been with us since he came home from the hospital, almost 9 months ago. Is there anything more unnatural than sending a son to live with others?

    • kzsutton | 4th Jan 15

      I agree. So very unnatural. Hard to do and sometimes dropping him or doing visits is like an out of body experience…that’s a whole different blog post!

  14. Dying inside | 5th Jan 15

    I know your pain because I am living it. I foster and am returning my baby boy to his mother after three years of being with me. We are “transitioning”. What a word….It means learning to live without your heart. I grieve in private because I signed up for this. This pain, this suffering, is something I went into knowingly, Mostly I grieve because he did not sign up for this. He did not agree to love me and then have to go without me. He did not agree to go through the pain he is going through. He feels the need to tell me every five minutes that he loves me because to him those words have always fixed everything. He doesn’t understand why I continue to return him to his mom when he says, “I want to stay with you. I love you”. I know he is not mine, but he does not understand that he is not mine. That hurts me more than what I am going through. In my heart of hearts I know he needs his mom. Her success is my loss. He may or may not remember me, but I pray he does not remember that I abandoned him.

    • kzsutton | 5th Jan 15

      Wow. Yes, the pain is very real and deep. It’s much harder when they can verbalize to you their feelings. Praying for you as you walk this out. That your steps may be filled with wisdom and compassion and joy even in the midst of breaking hearts.

      • Dying inside | 6th Jan 15

        Thank you. Prayers are definately needed and I am grateful, as this one really hurts. I know one day I will get better, but I worry for him. I worry about his ability to trust and love. We always talk about the resilience of youth, but we need to worry about the damages of broken attachments.

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